there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
