Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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