you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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