So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
