eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
