: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
