Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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