Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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