If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
