How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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