Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
