your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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