So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
