you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
