It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
