i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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