just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
