woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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