I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
