Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
