im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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