Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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