I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
