Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
