I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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