my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My dick has a subreddit
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
