DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
