He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
