Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
