Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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