apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize