If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
