I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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