I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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