He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
