dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i now understand why vodka
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
