In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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