I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
