Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
