fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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