I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize