His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
