Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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