I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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