did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
