im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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