just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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