you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
