Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
