Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
