If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize