i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
