meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
