I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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