Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
