Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
