I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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