She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize