I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
