God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I want a musical about memes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
