I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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