I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
