Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
