why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
